美国大学夏校申请文书专家指导攻略（二）

原创来源：

国际升学指导专家邓宁、中国教育在线国际教育频道主编赵刚

【编者按】通过十几年从事国际升学指导的实践积累，作者从数以千计的文书案例中摸索共性规律，找出中国学生在美国大学夏校或科研项目文书写作方面存在的核心问题，并详细记录与学生的沟通过程、对文案的修改过程，为国际升学指导教师和夏校申请学生提供深入浅出的案例分析和文书展示。高质量文书写作需要从以下四个方面着手：对于文书题目的理解、对于适合文书的素材筛选、对于文书写作的内容定位与思想定位、对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计。以下是攻略的第二部分，重点介绍“对于适合文书的素材筛选”、以及“对于文书写作的内容定位”。

明确申请文书题目要求后，文书素材需要围绕题目要求做进一步罗列和筛选。

（一）罗列是最常用的文书写作“规定动作”。这方面的头脑风暴很有帮助，多方面的素材常常是国际升学指导教师与学生之间的启发式互动的产物，即使不完全符合某些题目的要求，也可以作为素材储备。

当然，有些素材是常规性的，适用于回答常规性问题，在理性层面很完整，起因、经过、结果都很清晰，这类罗列的指向“为什么参加夏校中的某个项目”等类型的问题。

还有些素材是非常规性的，以瞬间捕捉到的感受为主，适合于开放式场景的个性铺垫。

（二）素材筛选的逻辑性非常重要。首先是素材筛选有效回答问题的逻辑性。素材与结论之间的因果关系需要清晰、明确，否则很可能是逻辑错误。

其次是素材筛选与夏校申请审核者背景匹配的逻辑性。大学招生官阅读学生文书的时间有限，在1-2分钟内看完一篇文书，首先把握的是文章主旨、逻辑及支持的事实证据。

以下面的问题为例探讨素材筛选环节的注意事项。

Is there any information not captured in the application that you would like to share with the Admissions Team? If so, please briefly add the information in the space below.

就这个问题，老师和学生讨论可能的写作素材时选择了“爱问问题”作为其补充的个性特征。因为很多伟大的科研创造都是从提出问题开始的，会提问恰好是科研工作者重要的素质，这点恰好支持了科研夏校申请的目标。

成功挖掘这个特点源于升学指导老师对学生的提问：“与学校很多优秀同学相比，你觉得自己与他们的最大区别是什么？”学生特别自信地回答“提问”。学生认为自己不仅是课堂上提问最多的学生，也是提出最好问题的学生。在一系列课内外提问的经历中，有一个很突出：他曾在公开场合向一位国际知名心理学家提问，他的问题还被刊登在一份国际在线杂志上。

学生按照上述思路做了一篇150字以内的小论文：

Unlike my silent peers in class, I seem to have tons of questions to raise in face of lecturers and professors. To be noted, what I have asked is just good questions. In Biology class, for instance, instead of asking “why”, I ask “how”. How G protein can slide freely in cell membrane was a good question, followed by a fierce debate with the rest of the class. The best question I have ever asked is to a well-known psychologist about the effects of role play in the social hierarchy, which tends to be solidified. The Q&A appeared top on the contents ofxx. Good questions lead to more research, and hence a deeper understanding the undiscovered world. For a question I raised, for example, I checked dozens of papers and academic websites to explain why electric synapses rarely appear in mammals. Insatiable curiosity keeps me exploring the unknown.

修改1：

原句是：Unlike my silent peers in class, I seem to have tons of questions to raise in face of lecturers and professors.

对比不够鲜明，“我”的优势没能充分显示。

显然，“我”的同学课上不提问，而“我”的问题却很多，给人一种“话痨”的印象，很难突出“爱问问题”的正面形象。

原句修改为：Unlike my peers in class, I am the most recognizable student in the eyes of lecturers and professors, as they are impressed with my good questions.

对任课教师而言，“我”在班上的辨识度最高，因为“我”的问题总是一针见血，很有见地。

修改2：

原句是：In Biology class, for instance, instead of asking “why”, I ask “how”.

提问的深度、境界不同，一般是“为什么—怎么做—做什么”（“why-how- what”）的不同层级。通常人们思维认知很容易辨识“做什么”（what），而对于“为什么”（why）思考比较少，而让人产生强大内驱力使命感的是“为什么”。

对比国内外课堂的提问水平，国内学生停留在“做什么”（what）层级的比较普遍，因此将instead of asking “why”替换为instead of asking “what”，这样对比更鲜明。

修改3：

原句是：For a question I raised, for example, I checked dozens of papers and academic websites to explain why electric synapses rarely appear in mammals.

这句话的专业性过强，不符合“与夏校申请审核者背景匹配的逻辑性”，建议删掉。

下文是修改过的定稿：

Unlike my peers in class, I am the most recognizable student in the eyes of lecturers and professors, as they are impressed with my good questions. In Biology class, for example, instead of asking “what”, I ask “how”. How G protein can slide freely in cell membrane is a good question, followed by a fierce debate between me and the rest of the class. The best question I have ever asked was to an acclaimed psychologist Martyn Barrett about what a role-play could develop to face hierarchical solidification. The Q&A appeared on the newsletter ofxx, where Martyn argued that over 50% of human behaviors were nurtured rather than natured. I was inspired by his further conclusion that changes in social hierarchy were highly possible, assumed that people planned carefully for the changes. Good questions lead to a deeper understanding of the world. Insatiable curiosity keeps me exploring the unknown.

（一）文书写作的内容定位。在上一个章节中，素材罗列是申请的重要基础工作。

不过，问题也会随之而来，素材罗列有时会干扰文书写作的内容定位，主要原因是学生在文书写作时容易进入习惯性思维的陷阱，将自己感兴趣、印象深刻的素材先入为主地作为内容定位的前提。

这种情况最容易导致“跑题”——不顾题目要求的限定而将熟悉的素材直接转化为内容定位。

分析一下哈佛夏校列出的题目：What courses at Harvard Summer School interest you and why?

这个题目是常规性的“做什么—为什么”（what-why）模式，其中隐含了对申请人的重要要求：申请人需要针对哈佛夏校科研课程列表做研究，找出自己感兴趣的课程，认真阅读课程描述（course description）。课程描述中明确标注了对申请人的能力要求，这些要求自然就是文书写作内容定位的前提。

如果这个步骤缺失，很可能造成学生申请文书出现较大偏差。

下面是学生针对这个题目所做的初稿：

What interests me most at Harvard University is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology. The reasoning behind will be discussed from two perspectives. On the one hand, starting from childhood, I was a silent kid and did not have many friends. Unlike my peers, I was used to observing people around me quietly and attentively. I was curious at relating their facial expression to their personalities. The relationship remained a mystery for me until senior high, when I chose Neuroscience and Psychology as my AP courses. I engaged in many online and offline investigations, seminars, and research accordingly. More importantly, I volunteered to probe into patients who suffered from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. How to get engaged to help cure their diseases and alleviate their pain will be my objective in career. To achieve the goal, I have decided to apply degree courses in Neuroscience at Harvard University before I finish all the AP courses. It will be surreal to experience the on-campus program at Harvard, if my application could be accepted. On the other hand, the course designing seems exactly what I would like to do at the summer school. I won’t have difficulties in the fundamentals and research methodologies of Psychopathology, as required by the program. I have received similar cultivation in Neuroscience and Psychology in class. From my perspective, the most interesting part of the summer school will be engagement with both classic and contemporary studies in Psychopathology. I have never compared the two studies before, which will be valuable to my future research. Moreover, I cannot wait to see the development curve of Psychopathology research and evaluate critically methods and findings. Last but not least, I would be glad to engage in hands-on experience in group work. Previously in other programs, I played a wide range of roles in different teams. The summer school at Harvard will provide me a good opportunity to see if I have the potential to further study the Neuroscience-related course in this dream university.

从上文的表述能够看出，学生认真阅读了课程描述。不过，在内容定位方面，学生在针对课程描述的应答之外，又用了大量篇幅介绍自己的性格特征。其实，性格特征部分的内容与针对课程描述的应答之间存在一定程度的重复，造成结构臃肿，前后逻辑关系模糊、牵强。

经过这一轮指导后，学生提交了第二稿：

What interests me most at the Harvard Summer School 2024 is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology. The course designing seems exactly what I would like to be engaged, especially psychopathological research, the cornerstone of the program. Unlike the AP courses of Neuroscience and Psychology I have been attending, the Psychopathology-related course at the Harvard Summer School is designed for students to gain an understanding of the hands-on research process rather than simply knowledge teaching. My curiosity at relating people’s facial expression to their personalities has turned to probing into patients, who suffer from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations. If I am accepted by the program, it will be the first time ever for me to engage in experimental research and receive professional guidance accordingly. I am looking forward to developing a research question, hypotheses, methods, and data analysis, as required. Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. I will be engaged in critically evaluating methods and findings in the domain of psychopathology research, an important part for me to explore from historical perspectives. Last but not least, the Harvard program will develop a group research proposal on a topic related to psychopathology. It will also be exciting to work in a group to conceptualize and plan a research study. Previously in other programs, I played a wide range of roles in different teams. Consequently, the summer school at Harvard will help me work like a psychopathologist, exploring and researching problems related to mental health: how to understand them, how to classify them, and how to fix them. The program will also provide me a good opportunity to study on campus at Harvard University.

这一稿的优点在于：首先，在结构上，以哈佛夏校课程描述为基本架构，找出主要部分，围绕实证研究的特点一一作答，清晰明了。其次，从行文内容看出，学生不仅研究了课程描述，还对科研项目的指导教师等细节做了深入研究。下面这句对指导教师的介绍加强了学生参与科研项目的目的性，强化了学生希望研究与临床实践相结合的主观愿望。

To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations.

不足之处在于：下面这一论点比较单薄，没有相应定位更有力的内容，在“经典研究”（classic study）和“当代研究”（contemporary study）的异同方面缺乏深入了解和认知，需要进一步跟进研究。

Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. I will be engaged in critically evaluating methods and findings in the domain of psychopathology research, an important part for me to explore from historical perspectives.

学生的第三稿（下文）解决了上述遗留问题，最重要的是，整个修改过程沿着正确的研究方向和认知方向摸索，在逻辑思维训练、研究方法领会方面，为学生的出国留学奠定坚实基础。

What interests me most at the Harvard Summer School 2024 is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology, especially its cornerstone part, i.e., psychopathological research. Unlike the AP courses of Neuroscience and Psychology I have been attending, the Psychopathology-related course at the Harvard Summer School is designed for students to gain an understanding of the hands-on research process rather than simply knowledge teaching. My curiosity at relating people’s facial expression to their personalities has turned to probing into patients, who suffer from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations. If I am accepted by the program, it will be the first time ever for me to engage in experimental research and receive professional guidance accordingly. I am looking forward to developing a research question, hypotheses, methods, and data analysis, as required. Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. Classic studies includefundamental research outcomes, such as Diathesis-Stress Model, a framework for understanding the development of psychological disorders. On the basis of classic studies, contemporary study applies more experimental designing to research in the domain of psychopathology. Last but not least, the Harvard program will make me excited to conceptualize and plan a research study related to psychopathology through teamwork, where I can apply a lot of teamwork skills that I have previously gained from other academic programs. Consequently, the summer school at Harvard will help me work like a psychopathologist, exploring and researching problems related to mental health: how to understand them, how to classify them, and how to fix them. The program will also provide me a good opportunity to study on campus at Harvard University.（未完待续）